Get That Elf Off the Shelf! A Child Therapaist Rethinks the Tradition
The December holiday season can feel magical — lights everywhere, cozy routines, and traditions that families look forward to all year. And for many households, the Elf on the Shelf is one of those traditions. On the outside, it looks playful and harmless: a little elf who moves around at night and reports back to Santa.
But if you’re a parent who’s started to feel uneasy about it — or you’ve noticed that it adds more stress than joy — you’re not alone. Many families are rethinking this tradition, especially when they notice how it affects their child’s self-worth, anxiety, or behavior.
As a child therapist and play therapist, I see how easily kids internalize messages about being “good” or “bad,” and how quickly shame can take root. The Elf on the Shelf can unintentionally fuel that.
Why the Naughty vs. Nice Message Can Hurt
Sometimes the pressure shows up in small, everyday ways — a child hesitating before telling you the truth because they’re afraid the elf "saw" something bad, or a little one melting down because they believe one hard moment erased all the good ones. These real-life moments tell us so much about how kids internalize messages.
When children hear that missteps, big feelings, or mistakes place them on a “naughty list,” they begin connecting their behavior to their value.
Kids are concrete thinkers. They don’t hear, “You had a tough moment.” They hear, “I am a tough moment.” And this can show up as:
A child saying, "I guess I'm just naughty today."
A kid refusing to participate in something fun because they feel they "don’t deserve it."
A sensitive child spiraling into tears after a small mistake because they believe the elf will report them.
And when a child starts believing:
"My big feelings make me bad."
"If I mess up, love might pull away."
"Good things only come when I’m perfect."
…that shame becomes the filter through which they see themselves.
Instead of learning that emotions are normal and mistakes are repairable, kids begin to fear disappointing the adults they love. As a play therapist, I see how much emotional pressure this creates inside little bodies.
Gifts Shouldn’t Be Earned With Perfection
You might notice the tension rising as the holiday gets closer — kids worrying out loud:
"If I yell, will Santa still bring me something?"
"I was bad this morning... does that mean no presents?"
These questions come from a place of fear, not growth. And while parents never intend to instill fear, the elf’s structure can make generosity feel conditional. That’s a heavy emotional load for a young nervous system.
Another subtle message the elf teaches is that good behavior earns gifts, and mistakes take them away. Over time, generosity stops feeling like generosity — it becomes a transaction.
That can make the holidays feel less about connection and more about performance.
And here’s the thing: kids aren’t motivated by surveillance. They’re motivated by relationship — by feeling seen, safe, and connected.
What Kids Actually Need: Connection Over Compliance
Instead of compliance driven by surveillance, kids thrive with connection-driven guidance. Here’s what that can look like in real time:
Sitting with your child after a meltdown and saying, "You had big feelings, and I’m right here."
Helping them repair after a mistake instead of fearing punishment.
Creating predictable rituals (a hug before school, a shared snack, a bedtime check-in) that anchor them.
Letting them know they’re safe even on hard days.
These moments teach emotional safety far more effectively than any watchful elf.
You don’t need an elf watching from a shelf to encourage meaningful behavior. Children grow when they feel:
Safe enough to make mistakes
Connected enough to ask for help
Loved without conditions
Supported through their big feelings, not judged for them
Those are the moments that shape self-esteem, emotional regulation, and resilience.
If a tradition adds stress, shame, or fear — you’re allowed to let it go.
So… Should You Retire the Elf?
Maybe you don’t want to abandon the tradition entirely — and that’s okay. Some families shift the elf’s role into something playful or connection-based rather than surveillance-based.
Here are a few gentler alternatives families have tried: families have tried:
The Encouragement Elf: leaves notes like "I noticed you trying your best" or "It’s okay to have feelings." No reports. No naughty list.
The Connection Elf: appears each day with a simple prompt like "Read a book together" or "Do something kind for yourself today."
The Curious Elf: asks questions that spark reflection, like "What made you smile yesterday?" or "What’s something you’re proud of?"
Or, you can retire the elf completely and replace it with:
A nightly gratitude ritual
A kindness basket your child helps fill
A shared activity that fosters presence, not performance
A weekly family moment where you celebrate effort, not perfection
Small shifts can turn December into a season where your child feels grounded, not judged.
If You’re Wanting More Support This Season
Parenting in the holiday rush can bring up so many feelings — for you and your child. If you’re noticing anxiety, emotional overwhelm, shutdowns, big behavior swings, or a child who suddenly seems more sensitive than usual, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
I offer child therapy and play therapy in San Jose for kids and families who want support rooted in connection, emotional safety, and developmentally aligned care. In our work together, children don’t just "behave better" — they begin to feel better. And when a child feels more regulated and understood, the whole family feels the shift.
What Play Therapy With Me Can Create for Your Child
Families often tell me they notice changes like:
More confidence and self-esteem
Calmer mornings and easier transitions
Less reactivity and fewer meltdowns
A deeper ability to express feelings instead of holding everything inside
Stronger parent–child connection
A child who feels understood, not judged
And for parents, the outcomes often look like:
Finally understanding what your child’s behavior means
Feeling less guilt and more clarity
Knowing how to support your child in ways that actually work
A calmer home, with fewer power struggles
A sense of partnership — not doing this alone
These are the transformations that happen when a child feels emotionally safe and when parents are supported, not blamed.
Schedule a Consultation
If you’re curious about how therapy could support your child, I invite you to take the next step. You can schedule a consultation with me here: www.yourtherapynook.com
Sometimes the biggest relief comes from simply having someone in your corner — someone who understands kids, understands emotions, and understands what your family is trying to hold.
I’m here to help make this season — and the ones ahead — feel lighter, more grounded, and more connected for your whole family.
About the Author: Hannah Ly, Child Therapist & Play Therapist
Hannah Ly, LMFT is a child therapist and play therapist in San Jose who helps children, teens, and families navigate big feelings with compassion, clarity, and developmentally informed support. Through child-centered play therapy, attachment-focused work, and parent collaboration, she helps families build connection, emotional resilience, and a sense of safety that supports long-term growth. As a child therapist specializing in playful, relational, developmentally aligned care, Hannah helps kids express feelings, reduce anxiety, and build confidence — and helps parents feel equipped, supported, and understood.
