My Child Is Melting Down Over Small Things — What’s Really Going On?
I see this often in my work with families.
Parents come in feeling exhausted, confused, and concerned. Their child is having intense emotional reactions to situations that seem small on the surface.
Getting ready for school turns into a complete breakdown. Not being able to tie their shoes leads to tears or yelling. Being told “not right now” about a toy results in screaming, shutting down, or refusal.
Over time, parents begin asking themselves difficult questions:
Why is this happening?
Why can’t my child calm down?
Is something wrong with my parenting?
Alongside these questions often come frustration, guilt, and self-doubt. Many parents worry they are doing something wrong or that they have somehow failed their child.
If this experience feels familiar, you are not alone.
These Meltdowns Are Not Really About the “Small Thing”
To understand why these reactions keep happening, it helps to look beyond the moment itself.
When a child melts down over shoes, toys, or transitions, the reaction is rarely about the situation itself.
More often, these moments reflect something deeper.
In my work, common underlying factors include:
A child whose emotions are not yet fully understood or expressed
A nervous system under chronic stress or overwhelm
Family tension or changes at home, including separation or divorce
Pressure at school, social difficulties, or bullying
High expectations combined with limited emotional support
Children absorb more than we often realize. When they do not yet have the language or support to process what they are experiencing, their distress shows up through behavior.
Why Common Reactions Can Make Meltdowns Worse
Once parents recognize that meltdowns are about more than the immediate situation, the next question is often how to respond in the moment.
When meltdowns happen repeatedly, parents understandably try to stop them as quickly as possible. In the moment, many parents default to reactions that feel logical or necessary.
Common responses I see include:
Raising your voice to regain control
Trying to reason or explain why the reaction does not make sense
Minimizing the feeling (“It’s not a big deal”)
Telling the child to calm down or move on
These reactions are human and understandable. However, they often have unintended effects.
What tends to happen instead:
Some children escalate further because they feel misunderstood or overwhelmed
Other children withdraw and shut down emotionally
The original feeling goes unprocessed and returns later as another meltdown
Over time, repeated patterns like this can teach children to suppress their emotions. They may become overly compliant, focused on pleasing adults, or disconnected from their internal experience.
Later, these same children often show up as anxious, perfectionistic, or depressed adolescents. The outward meltdowns may decrease, but the underlying distress remains.
This is the cycle I aim to interrupt early.
When Support Is Needed: How Therapy Can Help
When common reactions stop working and the cycle continues, additional support can help address what is happening underneath.
The shift begins when parents understand one key idea:
Your child’s reaction is not about the immediate situation. It is a signal of something deeper that needs attention.
When children feel emotionally safe and supported in expressing what is underneath their behavior, meaningful change becomes possible.
This is where play therapy is particularly effective.
As a play therapist, I use developmentally appropriate, evidence-informed approaches to help children express emotions they do not yet have words for. Through play, children can explore fear, sadness, anger, and confusion in a way that feels natural and safe.
As children gain emotional language and internal regulation, they no longer need to hold everything inside. Their behavior begins to shift as their capacity to express themselves grows.
At the same time, I work closely with parents through parent coaching. Parents are actively involved in the process and supported in learning how to respond in ways that promote regulation, connection, and long-term change.
Frequently Asked Questions
These are some of the most common questions parents ask when considering therapy for their child.
Is it normal for children to have frequent meltdowns?
Occasional meltdowns are a normal part of development. However, frequent or intense meltdowns may signal that a child is feeling overwhelmed and needs additional support.
At what age can children start play therapy?
Play therapy is most commonly used with children approximately ages 3 through 10, when play is a child’s primary way of communicating and processing emotions. The approach is tailored to each child’s developmental stage and individual needs.
How do I know if my child needs therapy?
If meltdowns are increasing, lasting longer, or affecting daily life at home or school, it may be helpful to consult with a child therapist.
How are parents involved in the process?
Parents are an important part of therapy. I provide parent coaching and ongoing guidance so progress continues outside of sessions.
Schedule a Free 15‑Minute Consultation
If you are recognizing your child in this description, you do not have to navigate this on your own. When meltdowns are frequent, intense, or beginning to affect daily life at home or school, early support can make a meaningful difference.
If this resonates with your family, play therapy can help.
My name is Hannah Ly, and I am a child therapist who specializes in play therapy and parent coaching. I invite you to schedule a free 15‑minute consultation to briefly talk through what is happening for your child, answer your questions, and explore whether my approach may be a good fit for your family.
About the Author: Hannah Ly, Child Therapist in San Jose
Hannah Ly is a licensed child therapist in San Jose who specializes in supporting children, teens, and families through emotional and behavioral challenges. Her work is grounded in developmentally appropriate, relationship-focused care that helps children feel safe expressing what they cannot yet put into words.
Hannah provides play therapy for young children, teen therapy for adolescents navigating stress and emotional overwhelm, and parent coaching to support caregivers in creating lasting change at home. She also works with children impacted by stress and trauma using trauma‑informed therapy and Brainspotting therapy when appropriate.
Her approach emphasizes collaboration, emotional safety, and helping families understand the meaning behind behavior rather than focusing on quick fixes.
