How to Explain Death to a Child - Insight from a San Jose Child Therapist
Sometimes it’s difficult to talk to your kids about death because we as adults are uncomfortable about the topic. Exploring your own feelings and associations with death before speaking with your children can be helpful so you can be fully present when speaking with your children. The details of how a person died and the wording you use depend on a child’s age and developmental level. It’s important to answer a child’s questions honestly.
Everyone grieves differently and it may even be different between your children. Children may express grief differently than adults because they will make meaning out of the death differently than adults or teenagers. Everyone also has different timelines for grief and grief may resurface at various times in the future. Using validation and empathy with your children when this comes up is important.
What Words to Use With Your Child - Child Therapy Tips
What wording to use and how to talk about death strongly depends on a child’s age and developmental level. When talking about how the person died for young kids you can describe it related to the person’s body, since that is a tangible thing a child understands. For older kids, you should use phrases and words that accurately describe the way the person died. Be honest with the way someone died, even if it makes you uncomfortable like an accidential drug overdose or a person dying by suicide. It also is important to validate their feelings by saying something like, “however you feel about what I am telling you is okay”. Don’t ever force your child to express emotions you feel are appropriate for grief such as crying.
To explain what death means for younger children, avoid using phrases like “they fell asleep forever” since this can cause children to be fearful they may “die” when they go to sleep. Instead, describe how the person’s body stopped working. Describe how our bodies are alive and “working” when we are breathing, our brains are thinking, and our heart is beating.
For example, if a person died by suicide, you can say, the person “hurt their body really bad and it made their body stop working”.
If a person died from old age, you can say something like, “their body was very, very old from living a long life, and their body decided it was time for their brain to stop thinking, their heart to stop beating, and for them to stop breathing”. If a child died from being murdered by a gunman, you could say something like, “a person made a really bad choice and shot a gun with bullets at their body to make their body stop working”
For older children, honestly describe how the person died and answer any questions they have. Try to be as honest as possible and don’t intentionally leave out facts. If someone died from an accidental drug overdose but the official cause of death was heart failure, don’t say “they had a heart attack” and leave out the drug use. Leaving out facts could cause them to have a hard time emotionally when they find out all the facts as an adult or when they are an older child. It could also cause them to be upset with you because you left out facts related to the death of the person.
When to See a Child Therapist
Here are some signs to look out for that show your child might benefit from a therapist's support:
Increased sadness or being withdrawn socially
Being preoccupied or worried about dying a lot of the time
Increased anger outbursts or other new behaviors
New excessive fears about caregivers dying or being separated from caregivers
Not being able to sleep on their own at night or during day naps when this was not a problem before
Child Therapist Resources
Reading books about death and having these books available for children to choose during reading time is a way to show your children that they can keep coming back to the topic of death. Two books I have reviewed and recommend are:
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Kransy Brown and Marc Brown
Read More! Child Therapy Blog
About Hannah - Child Therapist San Jose
Hannah is a Child Therapist and Teen Therapist that specializes treating children with anxiety, trauma, and attachment issues. Services she provides include Play Therapy for Children, Parental Coaching, and therapy for trauma. She also specializes in working with youth who are adopted or from the foster care system. She provides therapy in-person in San Jose, CA.
