How to Tell Your Child They're Going to Therapy

How you tell your child they're going to therapy matters less than whether you tell them the truth. Kids can handle "we're going to see someone whose job is to help kids with big feelings." What's harder is finding out in the car on the way there, or being told it's a playdate and working out later that it wasn't.

I'm Hannah Ly, a child therapist and play therapist in San Jose, and parents ask me about this a lot on the first call. Here's what I tell them: when to bring it up, what to say at different ages, what to leave out, and what to say back when your child asks the hard question.

Before you say anything, check in with yourself

Kids read our faces before they hear our words. If you're feeling guilty about therapy, or worried about what it means, or a little ashamed that it's come to this, your child will pick that up faster than anything you say.

So notice what's there for you first. Most parents feel some mix of relief and worry when they book. We as humans carry a lot of old messages about what it means to need help, and those messages tend to show up right when we're trying to sound calm. If you can say to yourself, "this is me taking care of my kid," it gets a lot easier to say it to them.

When to tell your child about therapy

• Ages 3 to 6: a day or two before. Young children don't hold future plans well, and a week of notice can turn into a week of worry.
• Ages 7 to 12: a few days to a week before, so there's time for questions.
• Teens: as early as you can, ideally before you book. A teen who has a say in the when and the who is much more likely to walk in with something to say.

Pick a calm moment, not the middle of a meltdown and not the hour after one. If therapy comes up as "and that's why you're going to therapy," it lands as a punishment, even if you didn't mean it that way.

What to say, by age

Keep it short, honest, and about feelings instead of the problem. You don't have to explain everything. You do need to tell them what's true and what's going to happen. Use the real name of your child's therapist; I'll give it to you once we've matched your family.

For young children (3 to 6)

"We're going to visit someone named ___. She has a room with toys and sand and art stuff, and helping kids with big feelings is her job. You get to choose what to play. I'll be there too."

For school-age kids (7 to 10)

"You've had a lot of big feelings lately, and that's a lot to carry by yourself. We found someone whose job is helping kids with feelings. You'll see her once a week. Lots of kids go. You're not in trouble, and there's nothing wrong with you."

For preteens and teens

Be straight with them, and hand over some control.

"Things have been really hard lately, and I don't think I'm the right person to help with all of it. I'd like you to have someone to talk to who isn't me. You decide what you talk about, and what you say stays between you and them unless someone's safety is at risk. Can we try a few sessions and then you tell me what you think?"

What to leave out

• Therapy as a threat. "If you keep hitting your brother, you'll have to see a therapist" teaches your child that therapy is where bad kids go.
• Promises that it will be fun. It often is, especially play therapy, but some sessions won't be, and you want your child to trust what you tell them.
• Calling it something it isn't. "We're just going to play" or "it's a special class" leaves out the truth, and kids figure it out. When they do, it's harder for them to trust the room.
• "She's going to fix you." Nobody is fixing anyone. Your child is going somewhere to be understood.
• An agenda. "Make sure you tell her about the hitting" puts your child on the spot before they've even met the therapist. That's what parent sessions are for.

What to say when your child pushes back

"Am I in trouble?"
"No. You're not in trouble. Therapy is for feelings, not for being bad."

"Is something wrong with me?"
"No. Things have been hard for you lately, and this is a place to get some help with it. When things are hard for me, I get help too."

"I'm not going."
Don't argue it. Name the feeling and keep the plan. "It sounds like you're nervous about meeting someone new. That makes sense. We're still going to go once, and I'll be right there." With teens, negotiate the how, not the whether: which day, whether you come in at the start, what they'd want the therapist to know first.

"Do I have to talk?"
"Nope. You can play, draw, build, or just look around. A lot of kids don't say much the first time."

What the first session is actually like

It helps to tell your child true things about what will happen, so here's how the first session goes at Your Therapy Nook.

• For younger kids, you come in together. You stay nearby, and with little ones you'll often be in the playroom too, so your child can stay close to you for as long as they need. The therapist gets down on the floor, puts something interesting within reach, and lets your child lead.
• For teens, you're usually in the room for the start of the first session, so everyone can say what's been happening at home and at school. Then the therapist gets curious about your teen: what they're into, what's been hard, what they'd want to be different.
• On privacy, what your child says and plays belongs to them. Even young children get a conversation about privacy, at their level. For teens, before every parent session, the therapist asks what's okay to share and what isn't. The one exception is safety, and even then your child gets a say in how it's shared.

Starting child therapy in San Jose or Redwood City

If you're still deciding whether therapy is the right step, I wrote about the signs your child might need therapy. If you've decided, the first step is a free 15-minute call with me. I'll listen, ask about your child, and give you a straight answer about whether we're the right fit. If we are, I'll pair your child with the right therapist here (me, Sabrina Yglesias in San Jose, or Bailey Verhulst, who sees kids at both offices) and tell you their name, so you can use it when you tell your child.

You don't have to get this conversation perfect. It won't take all the nerves out of the first day, but it will mean your child walks in knowing where they are and why.

About the Author: Hannah Ly, San Jose Child Therapist

Hannah Ly is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #129711) and the founder and clinical director of Your Therapy Nook, a boutique child and teen therapy practice with offices in San Jose and Redwood City, CA. She is a child therapist, play therapist, and teen therapist, trained in Synergetic Play Therapy and Brainspotting, with a long background in adoption and foster care. Hannah does every family's first call herself, and every therapist on the team practices the way she does. Every family gets child-led play therapy or teen therapy plus parent coaching every four weeks.