Child Play Therapist Explains: How to Manage Your Child’s Meltdowns
Children communicate their needs through their behaviors and body language. It’s essential to attune to what your child is trying to communicate when they are getting upset and melting down. This doesn’t mean you allow disrespectful language or unsafe behaviors. Addressing the meltdown before it escalates is the best way to prevent an emotional hurricane. If there is escalation, it’s important to remember that reasoning and lots of words and stimulation will be counterproductive for your child.
Strategies to Diffuse Meltdowns from a San Jose Child Therapst
I reference Dr Karyn Purvis in my practice all the time. She created Trust Based Relational Interventions, a modality of parenting and therapeutic treatment for children. Dr Karyn has the IDEAL response for caregivers which goes through how to address children’s behaviors to try to prevent a power struggle or a meltdown. In this video, she addresses strategies of response that could help stop a child’s escalating behavior:
Playful Engagement: Redirecting or offering a re-do with a playful and calm manner (“Are you asking me or telling me?”)
Choices: Providing two options you are okay with that provide limits and boundaries for the situation (“You can color with the pencils or color with the crayons but you can’t color with the markers”)
Compromise: Giving your child a voice in a situation where they are resisting and sharing their needs and preferences to build connection with your child and practice shared problem-solving (“If you are asking for a compromise try again and give me good words”).
Circumstantial meltdowns such as after school restraint collapse or when there is a change in plans or situation need to be addressed in a similar way.
The Power of Co-Regulation with Children
In all situations it is important to practice co-regulation with your child. Co-regulation is the approach and environment you provide that promotes self-regulation skills within your child. In this practice brief released by Duke University and The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill describes the three parts of co-regulation caregivers can provide for their children to promote self-efficacy and self-regulation skills. The three parts of co-regulation are to provide a warm and responsive relationship, structuring the environment, and coaching on self-regulation skills.
Providing a warm and responsive environment: “Caregivers can build strong relationships with children, youth, and young adults by communicating, through words and actions, their interest in the young person’s world, respect for the young person as an individual, and commitment to caring for the young person no matter what (i.e., unconditional positive regard)”. This can be put into practice by showing a genuine interest in your child’s hobbies, curiosities, and interests by asking open-ended questions and allowing them to be an “expert” about their interests.
Structuring the environment: Providing consistent routines and expectations allow a child to feel secure knowing what to expect, which includes what logical consequences will be (leveled at the child’s behavior not at the child).
Teaching and coaching self-regulation skills: Practicing coping strategies and modeling positive self-regulation skills during periods of calm will help make it easier to enact the positive behavior in times of escalation.
Anticipating Your Child's Needs
Anticipating difficult reactions to situations (after school meltdown or a change in plans your child was looking forward to) can help you be in the necessary headspace to manage a meltdown.
After school restraint collapse is a phenomenon that happens when a child is “holding it all together” at school and managing difficult situations throughout their day (disappointing friendship dynamics, strict teachers, over stimulation by sounds and students) and then collapses with a flood of reactions and emotions they were holding inside throughout the day.
Knowing what your child needs
Knowing what your child needs is important.
Maybe your child is also hungry and fatigued from the day at school, so bringing snacks to eat on the commute home and restraining yourself from bombarding your child with questions could help create a transitional space to decompress. Offering a break between getting home and starting homework can also help, allowing the child to participate in quieter, less stimulating activities or have some time in with you (snuggling, reading books, doing an enjoyable activity together such as baking, art, or puzzles).
The key is being attuned to your child and anticipating their needs to minimize adding to the stress and high emotional expression.
The same practice goes with anticipating a disappointed reaction to a change of plans or undesirable circumstances. Anticipate the disappointed or frustrated reaction by sharing with your child you need to tell them some news they may have big feelings about. You can prompt them to take a deep breath, hold a stuffy, or be in a calm position before being the bearer of bad news.
Co-regulating in these moments is extremely important, in order to help your child learn how to deal with disappointment, gain resiliency skills, and collaborate with you on problem-solving.
Enhancing Communication Through Effective Attuning
Attuning to your child’s needs by seeing their behaviors and hearing their needs can help reduce the amount of power struggles and meltdowns and increase connection and trust with your child. It’s important to co-regulate with your child to help them feel safe and secure which includes a warm approach and creating an environment that has boundaries. Anticipating hard moments by reducing the stress being put on your child and creating moments of calm after school, as well as helping your child endure disappointing news is setting them up for success.
Some escalation can be shut down with how you approach the situation, using playful engagement, choices, or compromises. The most important takeaway is to be sensitive to your child’s needs, authentically want to be part of their world, and to make sure to create positive connecting moments that will increase your positive relationship with your child. Showing them you love them unconditionally is the most important goal in these difficult moments.
Child Therapist in San Jose to Support Your Child's Emotional Health
In conclusion, navigating the complexities of parenting, especially through moments of disappointment and frustration, is a nuanced art requiring patience, empathetic communication, and strategic co-regulation.
By attuning to your child's emotional and behavioral cues, you establish a foundation of trust and understanding that not only mitigates power struggles but also strengthens your bond. Employing approaches such as playful engagement, offering choices, and ensuring unconditional love are key to fostering resiliency and collaborative problem-solving abilities in your child. Remember, each interaction is an opportunity to reinforce your relationship and support your child's emotional growth.
If you're in San Jose and seeking additional support to enhance your parenting strategies or to address your child's emotional needs, consider reaching out for professional guidance. I invite you to book a free 15-minute consultation for child therapy. This initial conversation can be the first step towards understanding your child's unique needs and exploring strategies to further support their development in a compassionate and structured manner.
Child Therapy Resources
About Hannah Ly, San Jose Child Therapist
Hannah Ly is a child therapist and teen therapist based in San Jose, specializing in play therapy, parent coaching, and trauma therapy. Hannah dedicates her practice to providing compassionate, effective support tailored to the individual needs of each young client and their families.
Her holistic approach combines evidence-based methodologies with a warm, empathetic interaction style. She is a sought-after professional for those seeking child therapy in San Jose. Hannah's expertise not only spans a range of emotional and behavioral issues but also embodies a deep commitment to helping families strengthen their relationships through effective communication and understanding. Whether your child is navigating the complexities of emotional growth, experiencing trauma, or you're a parent seeking coaching on how to best support your child's development, Hannah Ly offers a beacon of hope and professional guidance.
