5 Ways to Help Your Child through a Divorce: A Child Therapist’s Perspective
You have a million feelings and thoughts swirling through your mind. This relationship is over and you and your former spouse are attempting to navigate post-divorce life. There are expectations and commitments that keep you connected to each other, which can be annoying and frustrating when all you want to do is move on.
The biggest commitment you share with your former spouse are your children, and how to parent them together, often called “co-parenting”. In this article, I am going to guide you through five ways to help your kids transition through a divorce, from when you and your spouse first share the news to maintaining a daily routine in two homes.
Find a Child Therapist
Of course a counselor writing about divorce will advocate for therapy, you may be thinking.
Well, yes, as a therapist, I do believe in therapy, but more than that, I believe life transitions come with lots of stress and anxiety-ridden experiences. We need support and skills to get through these life transitions, especially when we are managing the responsibilities of parenting on top of everything else going on. There are many additional stressors that come with a life transition like divorce.
Mental Health issues such as depression, anxiety, or addiction may creep up and you may find that you are using unhelpful or harmful coping skills to manage them. Another purpose of individual counseling services could be to explore your relationship patterns so you can identify unhelpful aspects and develop the ability to seek healthy romantic relationships in the future. It may also be a helpful space to process your thoughts and feelings so you aren’t tempted to burden your children with them.
You deserve support from a therapist during this time, and your children deserve to have parents who are healthy enough to meet their emotional and physical needs.
2. Have Direct Conversations with Your Child
It’s crazy scary to think about sitting your children down to tell them you and your spouse are getting divorced. Most likely, your children have friends whose parents are split up, or they have seen media dramatically depicting what a divorced family is like. There may be mixed messages from family members and friends about divorce. You may be terrified and heartbroken to see what their reactions will be. It would be easier to have it just play out and explain it on the way, you may be thinking. While this does feel easier, I can assure you it may not be what is best for you or your children.
Sometimes, couples start the divorce process by separating. At the beginning phase, this is usually in the same home. Most likely, your children have noticed this and may have already asked about it. If you and your spouse are sleeping in different rooms, for example, your children may ask why you both aren’t sleeping in the same room anymore, something that was normal in the past. It’s tempting to give an evasive, untruthful answer, but that will only cause problems later.
A direct response for younger children would be: “We are having a hard time being friends right now and need to have some space from each other.”
A direct response for older children would be: “We are having some conflict in our marriage and are figuring out what the best solutions are.”
When you and your former spouse have decided to finalize a divorce or split up completely it is an opportunity to have an intentional and direct conversation with your children.
You know your children best, and what they need to hear in order to be reassured and calm. In this conversation, it’s essential to communicate:
(1) this divorce is not their fault,
(2) you love them the same, no matter what,
(3) your family will change and it will be hard, but as parents you will be able to take care of your kids and yourselves, by getting resources and support.
In my work with children of divorce, a common theme that comes up is the belief that the divorce is their fault. Developmentally, this is normal, as younger children have a limited sense of how other people influence their world and how their own actions are not as influential on others as they think they are. Many books have been written about divorce or parenting splitting up. These can help reinforce the messages that you love your children the same and that this is not their fault.
The books I use in my work with children include:
Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown
It’s not your fault, Koko Bear by Vicki Lansky
Two Homes by Claire Masurel
I Don’t Want to Talk About It by Jeanie Franz Ransom
3. Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle
Once you and your spouse are in separate living spaces, it may be more convenient to use your children as messengers. Please do not put your children in the middle of your communication with your former spouse. This is not an appropriate responsibility for your children. All communication about children, schedules, deadlines, shared kid activity budgets, and other expectations should be directly between the parents. Think of it as end-to-end encrypted parental communication. It begins and ends with the parents.
The same goes with communicating to the other parent in front of your child, in person or over the phone. If you start arguing or yelling in earshot of your children, intentionally go into another room or outside to finish the conversation. Chances are, your children witnessed this high conflict dynamic when you and your former spouse were together, so eliminating exposure to violent communication is helpful for your children moving forward. On the other hand, if you and your spouse are on good terms post-divorce, model a healthy co-parenting friendship!
Children watch and internalize how their parents relate to others and usually form similar patterns of relating in their own friendships and future romantic relationships.
Another way parents put their children in the middle is by talking about the other parent to their children. Usually, this is criticism or inappropriate emotional expression about your feelings over the loss of this relationship.
Children love both their parents, just as parents love all their children. It can be difficult for children to be told critical things about their parents. They may feel the need to take sides or defend the other parent. This is a huge and unnecessary burden on children. Children feel like they are part of both their parents and so openly criticizing or complaining about the other parent is as if they are being told that half of them is bad or hurtful or mean*.
Children who are given the task of messenger or parental confidant often internalize adult stressors and responsibilities, which can affect them growing up and in adulthood. When the attention and priority is placed on what parents need or have to say, it minimizes the child’s voice. When a young child takes on adult responsibilities with their parent's feelings, siblings, or schedules, it is called being a “parentified child”.
This is another reason why having an individual therapist is essential during this process. Your needs, worries, and frustrations are valid and you deserve to talk about them. The context of where you share these feelings needs to be appropriate so you can support both you and your children’s well being.
If you are interested in learning more, here are two articles about "parentified children":
4. Be Sensitive to Your Child’s Feelings
Every child responds uniquely to a big life transition such as a divorce. It’s important to listen to and validate these responses and feelings. Try to be sensitive to their feelings and wade through the uncomfortable conversations, instead of minimizing and moving on. When we minimize children’s feelings, they tend to shut down and not be vulnerable in the future. This could lead to your child using ineffective coping skills during childhood and into adulthood.
An example of validating your child’s feelings would be: “I know it’s confusing and hard when you have to switch between two homes. You’re having a hard time with the changes. Both of us are here for you and love you on good days and hard days.”
It can be common for your child to miss the other parent when they are with you and vice versa. You can normalize these feelings and avoid your own jealousy by validating them and reminding your child of your unconditional love. You can help your children stay connected to each parent by video or voice calling daily.
If it seems like your child is responding to the divorce in negative or harmful ways, it may be time to seek out therapy for your child. For older children, this could be using substances or increasing screen time when this was never an issue before. In kids of all ages it could look like being withdrawn, more anxious, or having more meltdowns or tantrums. Support for your child could be individual therapy with a child therapist or a group for kids going through similar circumstances. Both options will provide a safe place for your child to process feelings and develop coping skills for this life transition and future ones too.
5. Provide Clarity and Consistency in New Routines
It’s common for children to get confused or forget about new routines. Children may ask what house they are sleeping at or if they can still attend a friend’s birthday party when they are at the other parent’s home.
Creating a frequently updated calendar or schedule for your children can be helpful so they can feel like they know what is happening and how it will affect them.
Once you and your former spouse determine the most appropriate custody schedule, you can lay out the weekly schedule of which home your children will be in and what activities are on each day. Weekly or monthly calendars that can be put on the fridge or in your children’s rooms work well for helping your child know what is coming up and who they will be spending time with.
This is also an opportunity for you and your former spouse to decide on call times for your children with the parent they are not staying with.
You Can Do It - Child Therapist San Jose
This is a hard and stressful time filled with heightened emotions and expectations. You can navigate post-divorce life with your former spouse to create the best possible environment for your children. Co-parenting is difficult and possible. You have what it takes to thrive through this life transition with coping skills, personal counseling, and other support systems.
Please note: I am aware that some family units do not have legally married parents. These parents would therefore not divorce, but split up. In this article, I use the words “spouse”, “divorce”, and “children of divorce”, but I am including parents who are breaking up, regardless of their legal marriage status. The suggestions and insights in this article are applicable for all types of families.
About Hannah, San Jose Child Therapist
Hannah is a Child Therapist and Teen Therapist that specializes treating children with anxiety, trauma, and attachment issues. Services she provides include Play Therapy for Children, Parental Coaching, and Brainspotting for trauma. She provides therapy in-person in San Jose, CA.
